पुर्सुएद बी अ ग्रंन्य!

I was walking through the farmer's market yesterday morning with my husband. Things were going well, and a friend we met in passing had just given us both a delicious sweet pea from the bag she had been snacking on. As we went on our way seeking out the peas for ourselves, my husband noticed a booth selling dates. We stood there looking at it until a hunched and scowling little old lady with huge optometrist sunglasses and a black dyed old lady mullet pushed her bike right up to me. Apparently, we were in her way, and she wasn't moving forward unless we got out of her way.

Taking a moment to assess my peripherial vision, I observed that there was a clear path both in front of and behind me she could have easily taken, so I said quietly as I took a couple of steps forward, "Not pushy at all."

She started to say something as she passed behind me which might have been a haughty "What did you say?", but the blood was already starting to rush in my ears so I'm not quite sure. As she pushed forward through the space in which we had standing, all the while glaring at the back of my head, my husband might have been smiling painfully and saying about then something like, "Oh, I'm sorry, were we in your way? SOOOO sorry. Have a very pleasant day." And this time I hollered " NOT PUSHY AT ALL!"

She stopped a few feet past us, and turned and glared at us; or me, I can't tell with those horrible sunglasses.

She said something like, "What did you say, fatass?!?!" but like I said, blood was rushing in the ears. My god, I thought, this is going to get UGLY! I wasn't sure whether to feel threatened or laugh.

So suddenly, I had a nemesis. She was eying me down. No wait, she was coming after me, angrily pushing her bike with the might of....a wind up toy.

As she slowly plunged towards me, I was aware that my husband was offering me a date, and eating one himself, apparently, nonplussed. I however, was realizing my state of mind was too over-caffeinated and underfed to make any kind of decision about how to deal with this situation in some kind of rational manner, now that, beyond my expectations, it had escalated.

How did I know I was incapable of dealing with this rationally? The only two options I could think of were telling her to f*#k off or throwing the spent sweet pea hull at her. As she was nearly upon me at this point, I had to think of something fast that was a better idea. And I then realized that there was only one other option, and that was to walk away.

So, I casually strolled away at a slightly faster than normal pace, like she didn't even exist, coffee in hand, other hand casually in pocket, mashing the sweet pea.

Anyone looking on may not have noticed her slow speed pursuit of me, but she was on me. At first, I went right, hoping to go by the booth where occasionally an onion was flying fifteen feet up in the air, hoping that would maybe be too shocking for her to deal with. Halfway there, I realized this was silly, and changed directions. She changed directions too. This would bring her nearer to me, so I slowly started around the circuit away from her, like I was just a shopper.

I watched her mimic my directions from the other aisle of booths. After a few minutes, she was starting to catch up to me. I realized I could get her in the corner and cut through the flower booth (which had a path too narrow for her to get her bike through) and create a good distance between us and lose her. She succeeded in falling for this trap.

I proceeded back the way I had came, casually walking against traffic. And she was still following me. I passed through layers and layers of people; people with strollers, tall people, large groups of people, people with their hands full of bags, drinks, babies, and each other. As I got to the end of the crowd, I could tell she had lost sight of me, and I found a stack of conveniently placed vegetable pallets to casually lean against.

As I basked in the morning sun shining through between the freeways, I occasionally turned and looked to see if she was still at it. She was. She was still looking for me, and it had been like, 10 minutes of red hot pursuit at 1 mph so far. How long could this go on? And what would she do if she found me anyway? Well, if she did...I was still holding that pea hull.....

In the midst of the crowd almost beside me but 20 feet away, she had stopped and was looking about. If she had looked my direction, she probably could have seen me easily enough. But she didn't. Blocked now by the pallets another way, I could change directions and go to the vegetable booth where they were holding a tomato plant for us. So I went back there and talked to them for a while, in hopes my husband would come back there for the plant and find me there too. What had happened to him? He was probably still standing there, wondering where I had been (this was actually the case).

Eventually, I had to go back and find my man, who was waiting for me where we had met up with her, the place I least wanted to be found by her . But there was no sign of Scowling Granny Mullet, and we had a nice experience after that. But I'm keeping my eyes open just in case......


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